| And lo, as I return to my home, my sphere of influence feels tainted, feels wrong in such a way that it grates horribly at my weary mind and sends waves of tension through me that actually cause me physical pain and drain at my energy something horrible.
As I fight against them, something gnaws at the back of my mind. The worry that starting over, as I have to now that I've spent two years ripped from the comfortable, familiar coccoon that was my home, is nigh impossible at this point. That my space has been literally invaded by those whom, in retrospect, have given me nothing more than a symbol to resent.
This should be comforting, my returning to my roots, but there's an emptiness here that I've never felt before. And before that takes over? I plan on fighting it with everything I've got.
I remember fighting it before, with allies, with cohorts whom I engaged in acts of youthful disobedience with, and wreaked relative havok over my sphere with alongside. In a way, we were Pirates, plundering life for its own sake.
And now, before the emptiness, the walls close in, I send out a call. Join me. Join my crew. Let's sift through the ashes of this forgotten wasteland and extract the glimmering life from the wreckage, before it's too late for all of us.
Let's sail again, men. Let's LIVE again. | comments: Leave a comment   |
| I am now of the mind that "The Sign" by Ace of Base is my favorite song ever.
No, I'm absolutely serious. Just listen -- and really listen to it, not like, y'know, the casual listening y'all probably did back when it was getting radio play. That bassline just sets me off. Rrow. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | You scored as True Neutral. A True Neutral person has two faces- either these people are merely apathetic, preferring to focus their minds on more important things, or these people truly believe in a balance of all things. To these people, there can be no light without some darkness. These people also have no dedication to, or intrinsic distrust of, laws.
True Neutral | | 75% | Lawful Good | | 70% | Neutral Good | | 65% | Chaotic Good | | 65% | Chaotic Neutral | | 60% | Lawful Neutral | | 55% | Lawful Evil | | 45% | Neutral Evil | | 25% | Chaotic Evil | | 20% | </td>
What is your Alignment?
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| You scored as Wizard. You are a wizard. Through reading books and leanring the histoy of the mistakes in the world, you figure out a way to revamp them and figure out the answer on your own. You search for the unknown and thus is why you know how to use sparkly magic thingies!
Wizard | | 83% | Monk | | 83% | Fighter | | 83% | Ranger | | 58% | Bard | | 50% | Cleric | | 46% | Barbarian | | 8% | Rogue | | 0% | </td>
What D&D class are you?
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| | comments: Leave a comment |
| PERFECT FOURTH. The most chameleon-like of all
intervals: sometimes you're a dissonance,
sometimes you're a consonance. Depends on your
surroundings. Beloved by all composers for
your versatility, you are the master of playing
the politics. Too bad you're
under-appreciated.
What musical interval are you?
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|  | You scored as The Operative. You are dedicated to your job and very good at what you do. You've done some very bad things, but they had to be done. You don't expect to go to heaven, but that is a sacrifice you've made for a better future for all.
The Operative | | 88% | Simon Tam | | 69% | Inara Serra | | 69% | Capt. Mal Reynolds | | 63% | River Tam | | 56% | Shepherd Derrial Book | | 56% | Kaylee Frye | | 56% | Zoe Alleyne Washburne | | 44% | Jayne Cobb | | 19% | Hoban 'Wash' Washburne | | 13% | </td>
Which Serenity character are you?
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| I learned just what was bothering me. No, I won't bore anyone with the details. It's one of those cases.
So I decided, as I tend to do when I can't sleep, that it was time for something to change. I needed to do something productive, and while this doesn't quite count, it's enough considering that I've been trying to sleep for an hour and a half and haven't yet achieved this goal. I could argue that pulling out a stream of consciousness is productive, but who believes a line like that anyway?
About fifteen minutes after getting out of bed, I decided that "change" wasn't enough. I needed to start all over again, with a clean slate. I tend to do my best, most prolific "work" when I have something brand new to work with, because it hasn't yet lost its charm, and so I can engage myself freely in it with very little risk to the investment. I can easily undo something new, rework it to my tastes, but as time goes by and material builds I tend to find myself wishing things could have been different in the beginning, and with all the history involved this creates an impasse.
I have never been able to move past a certain point, whether it was an external limit imposed by a subject, or an internal limit imposed by myself. At any given time, I will be "treading water" in a number of instances where my natural talent or strength of will gives out, and I simply cannot progress any further. At any given time, one or more instances in which I cannot continue will effect me in an emotional manner. It's when these start to pile up that my generally good nature begins to slip, and the depression begins to kick in.
If I didn't burn myself out so quickly, exhausting myself on so many different things at once, I wouldn't exactly have as much of a problem. I would be able to maintain a certain level of balance between my manic peaks and depressive troughs, enough so that I would at least be reasonably normal more consistantly. I wish this were the case. Instead, I get too caught up in any number of things, burn through them quickly, and with my gifts eroded away momentarily I lapse into fits. I have trouble sleeping. I can't concentrate on a thing.
It cycles back to that lack of control of myself and my surroundings I mentioned in a previous entry -- one which I deleted in my latest attempt to purge. A general, immature, lack of emotional and mental control that I have attempted to exercise or emulate, and have failed repeatedly at acquiring over time.
I take a step back from the situation. I purge. For a time, I have some of this control returned to me.
So nothing's left, for now. Except for this. A blank canvas to play on until something bothers me again and I need to refocus. | | comments: Leave a comment |
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